Last night Paige and I stopped at Target after school to pick up a few things. While we were waiting for our items to be cut at the deli Paige looked through the cake book for birthday cake ideas since she will be turning 7 in just a few more weeks. I walked up behind her and teased her over her shoulder how every other pink cake was the perfect one for her. The girlier the better and the princess ones were the BEST. She laughed and laughed and proceeded to point out the Soccer cake and Lego cakes and flipped as fast as she could by any that were marketed towards girls.
On one page she slowed down to look closer at a Smurfs cake, it was cute, not something she would like as her own but worth looking at. Out of instinct I began singing..."La la la la la la, sing a happy song! La la la la la la..." to which she spun around to face me with a look of panic and I immediately stopped singing. I watched her eyes as she peered behind me scanning...and I realized...I had potentially embarrassed her. That is...if, and only if any of the kids from her school happened to be nearby. Lucky for her there were none to be found. Whew.
I squinted my eyes and called her out. "Are you worried that someone from school might hear me singing?" She looked a little surprised and then started to laugh and said "Yes! Oh my gosh Mom!" Then we continued to look through the book and she quietly started humming the Smurf song herself. As she hummed a little piece of my heart ached. It is happening. My little girl, is well...a normal little girl and growing up before my eyes. When we finished looking at the cakes she took my hand and skipped along as though we were all alone while we shopped for the rest of the items on our little list. Her brief moment of embarrassment completely forgotten.
Everywhere we go, especially if it is just she and I. We hold hands. It is so easy and familiar. We get out of the car and find each other, my hand silently reaches for her little arm and slides down to her hand and I grasp it gently as she does mine. I have noticed that if my hand is still for too long she will rub her thumb back and forth on my hand assuring me that she is aware of our touch. I love it.
Last night we were all sitting in the family room and I pulled up my YouTube account and was immediately sucked into old videos I had saved of the kids. All four of us sat on the couch watching video after video of the kids when they were babies. We laughed and smiled and pointed out how soon they would have a new baby brother who would do many of those same things. Each time a video came on of Paige she would groan and cover her eyes or tell me to delete it. Jeff and I laughed at her reaction knowing we were rich with blackmail for her later years. Our faces ached from smiling.
At the same time, we recognised that Paige has become more aware of herself. I don't know anyone who likes the sound of their own voice or watching themselves in a home video, at least not any grown ups. But it was just months ago that she would watch a clip over and over and over laughing at herself and wanting to show me and her Dad how funny she was and how great of a show she was putting on...and now she is embarrassed. I guess that too is only natural, but it is happening so very fast.
When she was 2 and 3 and 4 and even 5 she would run to me and JUMP into my arms every time I picked her up from daycare or school. Even in Kindergarten I would have to mentally prepare myself for the fact that as soon as she saw me, whether I saw her or not, she was going to come at me with all of her might...and I had better be ready! This past year she still holds my hand walking into school as well as out but as the school year progressed the morning good bye hugs and kisses were shorter and the afternoon pick up surprise attacks were less frequent. Every time she would surprise me with one my heart would leap and my eyes prickle with happy tears.
I have been making mental notes for years to cherish her hugs and kisses and sweet embraces knowing that sooner or later she would become more aware of the other kids, and who may be looking. If only she knew that some of the looks were out of admiration. One day she will know that not all parents are as affectionate to their kids. And to be honest, her affection at school has lasted much longer than I expected, I am so grateful for that.
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So, when she needs to act a little bit older and as though she doesn't need me quite as much, I will respect her feelings. I will give her a bit more space and I will know that I am so very lucky to have a little girl like her to love and be loved by. But as soon as we are out of sight..all bets are off. She better watch out because those hugs and kisses and tickles are coming!!
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